He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
