i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
