I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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