You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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