You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
