mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
