i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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