the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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