i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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