I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
