Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm like, not good at living.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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