I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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