I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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