Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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