# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
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