Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
