I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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