I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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