i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
