my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I think I won the penis lottery.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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