So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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