You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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