You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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