Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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