Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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