You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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