I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
then he tried to convert me to islam
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
