just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
