if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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