I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
