Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
