I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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