My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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