he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I forgot how hot balto sounded
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
