FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
