It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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