i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
