the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
