when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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