I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
