Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
