walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
