this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
