I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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