I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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