So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
