My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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