i jhust puked up my retainher.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize