for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
