Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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