Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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