I molested 6 butterflies tonight
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
