I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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