just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
